The Degenerate League Presents: Football for Lowlifes: Part Triple
2014 Degenerate League Handbook
A Boner Jam
What follows is a series of rules and regulations to ensure we all have the best possible time making (and losing) fake bets to make (and lose) each other’s money. Most of the rules are the same, but there are a few tweaks (and new jokes) that had to be made. We don’t want anyone getting butthurt about perceived injustices, so we create this so you know what you’re getting into and what’s expected of you. You can always take solace in the fact that we don’t charge you bookie fees. Now read on to find out what rules the DL neophytes will unknowingly break this year*. [*Denotes an author’s note. This first one is as follows: Fucking noobs.]
JK you noobs, you know we love you. Now on with the 2014 DL HB.
1. Don’t be a dick.
We are all friends, or at least friends of friends, so don’t be the asshole that takes something too far and makes everyone hate you. Feel free to talk shit on the website, bemoan a bad beat or someone’s bullshit win, and engage in all the Doran mockery you wish, but just don’t be a dick. Mainly I mean don’t take shit too seriously and meat out (like Doran).
We want to add that someone who is winning weeks betting a way you don’t like isn’t necessarily being a dick. If you think someone has found an advantage, feel free to emulate it. We decided early on that we would book bets Vegas would book, so if someone has found a way to beat Vegas, copy away.
One final note, if Shawn goes on a tirade, he’s most likely not being a dick because it won’t be serious. If you took it too seriously and got all pissy, you’d be being the dick for not having a sense of humor.
For the 2014 season, it is $100 for the season and $25/week for the 13-week season, which takes us through nearly all of the NCAA regular season. We stop just short because Thanksgiving week is a real bear to get everyone to turn shit in and have us good-for-nothing, lazy admins get shit done.
These need to be sent via Paypal to email@example.com. I better reiterate this.
All payments and payouts will go to firstname.lastname@example.org. Before the season and before the week, send your money there.
If you don’t have a Paypal account, get your fucking shit together. It’s 2014 for fuck’s sake. Register for one, then link it with your bank account so there are no fees. If you’re too lazy to take 30 seconds to link it to your bank account, you are responsible for the fees, because I sure as fuck know the Feez ain’t gonna be responsible for your fees. Does this asshole look like he can handle that shit?
The $100 has to be paid up front as a means of ensuring you don’t just quit the league after you suck balls for a few weeks. If you decide to quit, then you forfeit that $100 and have no chance of winning anything. Your $25 is also due before your weekly picks. Cowboy Carr has allowed us to circumvent the prospect of bums, so we don’t have to worry about this. Bottom line is, if you want in the league, it’s $100, and if you want a chance to win a week, it’s $25. If you miss a week, you can just go -$1,000 for the week (tying Feser and Bogus, co-founders and co-bottom feeders) and get back in the next week. But don’t do this. If you do this twice, you’ll just be out of the league.
You can also pay for the season up front. It may seem a bit daunting, but everyone gets in the money throughout the year (except for Bogus, a low I don’t think he will ever live down* [Thank the lord I won that sweet, sweet $40 last year.]), with some people making a decent amount and some losing a bit. We’re also adding an element to the league to give people an additional opportunity to win, which will be discussed in the tournament section below.
3. Available odds
A league week runs Thursday – Monday. This covers the good Thursday CFB game and MNF. (This league includes college and professional football lines.) Tuesday and Wednesday are administrative and settling up days – besides, if there are Tuesday and Wednesday games they usually blow (good luck guessing what will happen in the fucking MAC). We’ll have most all the odds for these games. This year, they’ll just be in the pick sheet we send out each week, though we’ll try to put them on the website, too.
4. Making picks
You will make hypothetical bets based on the odds in our pick sheet. Once you are comfortable with your shitty picks, you will email them as an attachment to email@example.com. This email with your picks needs to be sent by Thursday at 5:00 pm if you want to be the Thursday game. If you do not have action on the Thursday game, picks are due Friday at 1:00. Put this on your calendar. If you know you won’t be able to do it Thursday, get them in earlier. (We do reserve the right to extend this period with certain caveats.) This gives us time to update the website so everyone knows what’s going on. If your picks aren’t in on time, we reserve the right to refuse them, meaning you lose $1,000 for the week, plus the $25 you paid. The simple answer is to just get your picks in on time. I will be sending frequent reminders, so this shouldn’t be a problem. If you do forget one week, it’s okay, but don’t be a dick (rule numero uno assholes) and complain to us. You have received an incredible amount of warning.
Here are the parameters of possible hypothetical bets:
- You will bet a hypothetical $1,000 per week, with a minimum bet of $50, maximum of $150. You math whizzes have probably figured out that this means you will make a minimum of 7 bets and a maximum of 20. Bogus was kind enough to make your spreadsheet inform you if you have incorrectly placed a bet and also inform you when you have reached $1,000 in bets.
- Whereas in the past we would put odds on the website and expect everyone to go there, pick their favorites, and enter them correctly, this year we are taking that responsibility out of your hands. Because it was too fucking much for you jokers. Scanning the pick sheets for the inevitable fuckups was exhausting and soul crushing. So this year we will be sending a new pick sheet each week. That sheet will have everything already set for you. All you need to do is the following (I’ve added an image so you can see exactly what I’m talking about):
- a. Choose the sport, NFL or CFB, using the drop-down menu in the far-left column (SPORT).
b. Pick your game from the drop-down menu under the GAME column (you may have to scroll up on the drop-down to find them).
c. Pick the type of play from the drop-down menu in the PLAY column (at this point it auto-populates your line and the odds)
d. Enter your risk in the RISK column.
- a. Choose the sport, NFL or CFB, using the drop-down menu in the far-left column (SPORT).
And that’s it. Choose the SPORT, the GAME, the PLAY, the RISK, and you’re set. You can still type a “W” in the GRADE column to see what a bet pays. That shit even works for parlays. Every year Bogus has flicked his Excel wand and made magic happen, and this is the most intriguing advancement yet.
You’re welcome, asshats. Who would have guessed this D bag was a wizard?
In addition to magic to make your life easier, we’ll also have grading mostly automated, meaning results will be much quicker this year. The only downfall to these technological advancements is that we will no longer be allowing teasers and props. They just won’t work with this system, and they’re a fool’s errand anyway.
So, to summarize making picks: It’s now super easy, and no teasers are allowed.
5. The DL Tournaments
Last year we added head-to-head, single-elimination tournaments, and they are pretty boss. It gives you a reason to talk a ton of shit, side bet like crazy, and something else to compete for. So if you’re solid week to week but never seem to cash, you can still be in for a sweet pot. We did change one element, which is that the payout won’t be so hefty, and the season-end payout will be bigger. This would be true either way, as we’re up to over 30 competitors this year. We’re hoping to get the league to 32 guys, which would mean no byes in the first round, which is pretty cool. We’ll start the first tournament during the second week and we’ll keep it updated on the website.
I’m serious about trash talking and side betting. It makes things way more fun. Now that we have things mostly automated, the admins are going to have more time to mix it up. I expect the same out of you. If you don’t know someone personally, don’t be scared. If they’re in the league they are either known by us or vouched for, so feel free to talk about eating each other’s children. I think this will be my first taunt:
6. Payouts* [Assuming we get to and stop at 31 participants]
We pay out weekly, for the season, and for tournaments.
1st – $200
2nd – $125
3rd – $50
1st – $200
2nd – $150
3rd – $125
4th – $100
5th – $75
6th – $50
1st – $1,050
2nd – $825
3rd – $600
4th – $400
5th – $200
6th – $150
7th – $100
I don’t think we’ve ever had one that mattered, but since I typed all this sweet stuff last year, I’ll throw it down again.
- In the event of a tie, the first bet off of each player’s sheet will be used as a tiebreaker. Whoever did better on the first bet of the sheet wins the tiebreaker. If that is a tie, the second, and so on.
- In the event that all of the bets are exactly the same we will go to season total, with the leader winning the tie break. If it happens in week one or if the season totals are the same, we will put on a steel cage death match, during which the rest of our league degenerates can place bets on who dies and drink Grain Belts, making for much merriment. JK guys, we won’t have death matches. If every fucking bet has the same result we’ll flip a coin or something. I changed the maximum bet to $150 to ensure more variance in bets, so I don’t foresee a problem here.
- But since this is the handbook, if all the bets have the same result, in order, with the same season total, we will have another tiebreaker, agreed on by both parties, that is random.
- For season ties (which I have to believe won’t happen, but you never know), we will go back to the first bet of week one and work through the whole year. If your bets for the whole season were the same, the world will probably end (but we’ll still do something random as a tiebreak).
If you’re reading this, you’re already on the website. Look around at the various tabs, but most importantly, comment and talk trash. You should definitely subscribe to it so you can see when there is a new post. You should also have it notify you to responses to your comments so you can come return fire immediately.
9. Game on
It’s fucking football season! Yes! Somebody throw me a hot high 5, now!