Update

Boy, not even a full day after the original email with no followups and already 80% of the league is back in. That’s pretty damn impressive. I have to think that says everyone had a hell of a great time last year (except Bogus, who got chooched (and probably me, who also got chooched)) and that the DL is the bee’s knees. Thanks for making things easy, you 80%.

That means there are 5 guys that either aren’t in the league or haven’t yet responded. Jake T, John C, Jud F, and Brandon G should minimize the screen to whichever porn site they’re currently smacking it to and let us know they’re back in.

As for the 5th, fucking Lance B, ol’ Landry himself, is the first and thus far only guy not to re-up. What a giant, whimpering puss. [Whimpering] “Bu bu but I don’t have the skills to hang with you guys and your huge schvonces. Wah.” While that may be true, that’s no excuse to just turn vag and run. You’ll never get better or be respected if you bail on awesome shit like this.

I’ll try to make it easier for you to understand, Coach Taylor style.

Coach: Landry, can I talk to you for a minute?

[Landry sheepishly nods his head]

Coach: Let me tell you something.

[Landry tentatively raises his eyes to meet Coach’s]

Coach: You don’t turn on your league.

[Landry abashedly looks away]

Coach: What?

[Landry shakes his head like a teenager, as if to note you wouldn’t understand]

Coach: Can I ask you a question?

[Landry resignedly nods]

Coach: Why are you being such a douche?

[Landry tries to fight back tears]

Coach: You wanna know what else I think? You’re being a coward. You understand me?

[Landry shakes his head]

Coach: I’ll tell you what, you’ll regret it.

[Landry looks off into the distance]

Coach: We clear?

[Coach Taylor silently points at Landry]

[Landry eyes shine as a new resolve washes over him]

Landry: Coach, you’re right. I’m in.

Coach: Good, that’s all I got to say.

[End scene]

For those of you unfamiliar with the magic of a Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights pep talk and how it could get our dear Lance back on board so quickly, here are the fundamentals:

If, by some strange chance, Coach Taylor’s pep talk fails (which would be the first time), only you can help Landry quit being such a pussy. Leave a comment on why he shouldn’t bail, accompanied with #LandryWah. By our powers combined, we can keep him from making a horrible mistake.

The DL

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